My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
