We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize