...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Drake has all the answers
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
