I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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