My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
