I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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