I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
a search helicopter?!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
