No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
