I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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