my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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