maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
True college students do jello shots in the library
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