This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
