On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
