Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
