what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
