i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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