i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
soo... how was my night?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
