Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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