So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize