I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
