It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
