my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
