I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
