If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
