the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
