At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
