Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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