My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she peed on how many people?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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