A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
