Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
