you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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