you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize