Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
