WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
