Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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