Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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