hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
