If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
