Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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