can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
