Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
