nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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