my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
