I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
