You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
