Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize