Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
