i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
