I'm so fucking centered right now
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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