Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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