maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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