I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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