atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Randomize
