I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
