Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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