I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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