and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
