smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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