My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
