isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
