Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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