i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
