I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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