The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
