The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
