i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
