Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
