mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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