I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
