1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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