I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My penis needs a shock collar
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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